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5 myths about marriage. How to make him “work” in a new way?

An ideal union, relations built exclusively on love, is one of the main myths. Such errors can turn into serious traps on the marital path. It is important to track and debunk these myths in time – but not in order to drown in a sea of cynicism and stop believing in love, but to help marriage to work better.

1. One love is enough for everything to go smoothly

Spark of passions, lightning marriage and the same rapid divorce in a couple of years. The reason for the quarrel is everything: work, house, friends ..

The newlyweds Lily and Max had a similar story of passion. She is a financier, he is a musician. She is calm and balanced, it is explosive and impulsive. “I thought: since we love each other, everything will work out, everything will be as it should!” – she complains to friends after a divorce.

“There is no more deceptive, painful and destructive myth,” the Anna-Maria Bernardini marriage specialist is sure. – One love is not enough for the couple to resist the legs. Love is the first impulse, but the boat should be strong, and it is important to constantly replenish fuel reserves “.

London University Metro conducted a survey among couples living together for many years. They admit that the success of their marriage is more dependent on integrity and command spirit than on passion.

We consider romantic love the key

ingredient of a happy marriage, but this is wrong. Marriage is a contract, it was perceived for so many centuries before love began to be considered its main component. Yes, love can continue if it later transforms into a successful partnership based on common values and mutual respect.

2. You need to do everything together

There are couples who seem to “one soul for two bodies”. Husband and wife do everything together and even theoretically cannot imagine a breakdown. On the one hand, this is the ideal to which many seek. On the other hand, the erasure of differences, depriving oneself of personal space and conditional shelter can mean the death of sexual attraction. What loves love does not have a desire.

“We love the one who leads us to the deepest and hidden part of ourselves,” explains the philosopher Umberto Galimberti. – We are attracted to what we cannot get closer to, what escapes us. This is the mechanism of love “.

The author of the book “Men from Mars, Women from Venus” John Gray complements his thought: “Passion is getting too much when the partner is doing something without you, hidden and, instead of becoming closer, becomes mysterious, elusive”.

The main thing is to maintain your space. Imagine a relationship with a partner as an anfilad of rooms with many doors that can be open or closed, but never a key.

3. A priori marriage implies loyalty

We are in love. We are inspired by the fact that, having married, we will always be faithful to each other in thoughts, words and actions. But is it really so?

The marriage is not a vaccine, it does not protect against desire, does not eliminate at one point an attraction that can be tested for an outsider. Fidelity is a conscious choice: we decide that no one and nothing matters except our partner, and day after day we continue to choose a loved one.

“I had a colleague that I really liked,” says 32-year-old Maria. – I even tried to seduce him. I thought then: “My marriage is like a prison!“Only then did I realize that nothing matters, except for our husband with my husband, trust and tenderness for him.”.

4. The birth of children strengthens the marriage

The degree of family well -being is reduced after the birth of children and does not return to its previous positions until the moment the grown offspring leave the house to start an independent life. It is known that some men feel devoted after the birth of their son, and some women turn away from husbands and completely concentrate on the new role of mother for them. If the marriage is already “crumbling”, the birth of a child may be the last straw.

John Gray in his book claims that the attention that children require often becomes a source of stress and quarrels. Therefore, the relationship in the pair should be strong before they are comprehended by the “test of the child”. You need to know that the appearance of the baby will change everything, and be ready to accept this challenge.

5. Each creates their own family model

Many people think that with marriage you can start everything from scratch, leave the past behind and create a new family. Parents were hippies? A girl who grew up in a mess will create her small but strong farm. Family life was based on severity and discipline? The page is turned upside down, giving place for love and tenderness. In real life, everything is wrong. It’s not so easy to get rid of the family schemes that we lived in childhood. Children copy the model of parents’ behavior or do the opposite, often not even realizing this report.

“I fought for a traditional family, wedding in the church and the baptism of children. I have a wonderful house, I am in two charitable organizations,-38-year-old Anna shares. “But I seem to hear my mother’s laughter every day, who criticizes me for becoming part of the“ system ”. And I can’t be proud of what I have achieved because of this. “.

What to do? Accept heredity or gradually overcome it? The solution lies in the path that the couple passes, changing the day after day a common reality, because love (and you should not forget it) not only part of the marriage, but also its purpose.

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